Kevin Clooney

Nice to see Kate Winslet nominated for an Oscar and eleven Baftas and an Olymypic gold medal and what have you for her latest movie The Readers.

I haven’t seen it but I’ve heard it’s supposed to be okay - it’s about the Nazis or something. She’s always in these kinds of films is our Kate, a bit like Woody Allen who is always in films about Nazis and Jews and that.

I was in a restaurant in Newark a few years ago when Kate came in with her husband at the time, Jim Treacleton or something I think his name was. She seemed pleasant enough, but he had a face like a smacked arse. I reckon they had been arguing or something; you can see why she dumped him for rich movie director Sam Mendes, who I think is not exactly a Jew, but a bit Jew-ish.

Treacleton was drinking his white wine with a straw as I recall and, to me, he looked a bit gay.

I worked for singer Will Young last year and he was doing the same thing backstage after the show: drinking with a straw. (Don’t quote me on this, but I think it was pink Champagne - though it could just as easily have been fizzy Ribena.)

He looked a bit gay, too.

Well I’m busy tomorrow and Wednesday up in Glasgow with the Futureheads who have some shows booked.

Then it’s down to Cardiff on Friday before a lovely weekend off with my Donna at home. She’s threatened to take me out to the karaoke at the Villager pub on Saturday. I can’t stand karaoke but she loves it – loves to see me making a fool of myself singing my Burt Bacharach songs more like.

The Futureheads are okay, it’s quite a good crew. The band are not bad, I suppose. The drummer’s crap - too many cymbals. the number of cymbals a drummer has in his kit is inversely proportional to his talent as a drummer. (Roadies know these kinds of things.) I quite liked that single they had, that cover of Dogs of War, the old Kate Bush song.

I wish Bush was still going, I wouldn’t mind being in her backstage crew, if you know what I mean.

I’m just reading here on Coldplay’s website that miserable singer Chris Martin thinks that Obama winning the US presidential election was ‘a great great great great great day - everything’s alright with the world again, especially now that our tour is going really really really really really well in America.’

You’d think Martin would have been rooting for the republicans, wouldn’t you - what with him being a rich Conservative landowner and everything. He once told me he was going to vote for David Cameron at the next general election in the UK.

And The Strokes bassist Nikolai Fraiture apparently told his wife, Regina Spektor, that ‘It feels like finally being freed after having spent many years in prison.’ Well I reckon her dad, Phil Spektor, will be able to tell them what that feels like soon enough.

My Donna likes his hair. I sometimes think she’s pulling my plonker, I really do.

Wayhey! I’m booked for some dates with The Killers in the UK in February next year. Not sure about their records but their gigs are always great.

I was working for them at a gig in New York last year - I can’t remember the venue but it was a bit like the old Metro Theatre in Melbourne, one of my favourite live venues because of the easy access – and I have to say that the FOH sound was one of the loudest and best I have ever heard.

I was talking to Bruce Johnston, the sound engineer and he told me it was a last minute job and he was practicing for his gigs with Oasis, what with it being so loud and everything.

You wouldn’t expect the Killers to sound so good live because their records are a bit crap. Hells Angels love them for some reason so I’m not going to argue. And my Donna likes them; she says the singer, the little fellow with the ridiculous moustache, is ‘sexy sexy’. Pft! What does she know?

And why do their singles sound like tenth-rate Roxy Music to me? Weird. Roxy Music – now there’s a band I could tell you some stories about . . .

I enjoyed Wednesday night working for the Ting Tings at the Sheperds Bush Empire in London.

As usual they put on a really good show. The weird drummer bloke was as grumpy as he always is but the audience of spotty youths and Katie White wannabe teenage girls seemed to really enjoy themselves.

Would you believe it . . . backstage, who should I bump into but miserable Coldplay frontman Chris Martin who was trying to sneak out of Katie’s dressing room dressed as one of the catering staff. ‘Oi, Martin! What you doing in there, you dirty old man?’ I yelled at him but he pretended not to hear me.

I reckon he’s got something going on with the gorgeous Katie, I do. Wait till I tell my Donna! She’s well pally with Gwyneth Paltrow is my Donna and not very good at keeping secrets. And I should know: she can’t help telling Filthy Rik and all my other roadie mates about my personal problems - especially when I’ve had too much Guinness and can’t, you know, perform. (My manly duties in the bedroom.) Women.

I’ve treated me and Donna to tickets for the Nico tribute concert at the Royal Festival Hall in London tonight which is being curated by legendary Velvet Underground member, cheerful Welshman, all round genius and good-guy John Cale. I’m really looking forward to it.

We’re going to get all poshed up - Donna’s bought a new frock from the Next catalogue and I’m going to wear my one and only suit – and see how the other half live for an evening. I’ve promised her I won’t get drunk and embarrass her again.

I’ve worked with Cale and his band a couple of times and I can report that he is a thoroughly wonderful chap. Not half a bad singer, too.

I used to be really into the Velvet Underground when I was a student and I still love them now.

Lou Reed was a hero of mine when I was growing up. And I can’t deny I have always really fancied Nico - don’t tell Donna, though.

I must admit I have never liked Andy Warhol. Weirdo. And his paintings were basically crap; but I don’t think anyone would argue with me on that. Especially him.

My best mate and fellow professional roadie Filthy Rik has just been telling me about his upcoming gigs with the Kaiser Chiefs in the UK in October.

I’m really envious because I like the band, and having worked with them before, I know they pay really well - better than bloody Coldplay, anyway, who are crap.

I like the Kaisers’ new single Never Miss The Beat which reminds me of Bill Nelson and Be-Bop Deluxe for some reason. I reckon they’d sell a lot more records though if the singer stopped dressing up as a schoolboy. Weird he is, that one. He’s from Yorkshire so that explains a lot.

Filthy Rik often imbibes too much when he’s doing indie band gigs - he gets too excited, bless him - so I’m hoping he’ll get sacked and I can step in and deputise.

Deputy Kev. I like the sound of that.

I have just been booked last minute for a couple of dates on the Oasis UK tour through October. Ace!

I love working with those guys – there’s never a dull moment. My Donna’s coming; she loves having a natter with Nicole Appleton. Top bird, she is. Better than that Patsy Kensit.

I was in London once with the drummer out of Arcade Fire, having a pub lunch and downing some beers outside The Bathhouse in Dean Street in Soho, when she wandered past, shouting at some minion on her mobile.

‘Hey, it’s Patsy Palmer! Fancy a bite on my sausage, Patsy?’ I yelled at her and winked. She just stopped and scowled at me. I tried winking again. Nothing. She said something unpleasant before storming off but I wasn’t listening.

No wonder Liam left her.

I’m booked to work at the Ting Tings’ Shepherds Bush Empire show in London on the 8th October, just humping backstage.

I worked with the Ting Tings before, doing follow-spot in Leeds. I never put it on that weird ugly bloke, though; I just kept it on the sexy chic singer all night. He threw a right wobbly at me afterwards.

She’s all right, she is, that Katie White. I’m sure she fancies me. Lovely voice. Large hands, though. I prefer women with small hands: they make things look bigger.