Kevin Clooney

Nice to see Kate Winslet nominated for an Oscar and eleven Baftas and an Olymypic gold medal and what have you for her latest movie The Readers.

I haven’t seen it but I’ve heard it’s supposed to be okay - it’s about the Nazis or something. She’s always in these kinds of films is our Kate, a bit like Woody Allen who is always in films about Nazis and Jews and that.

I was in a restaurant in Newark a few years ago when Kate came in with her husband at the time, Jim Treacleton or something I think his name was. She seemed pleasant enough, but he had a face like a smacked arse. I reckon they had been arguing or something; you can see why she dumped him for rich movie director Sam Mendes, who I think is not exactly a Jew, but a bit Jew-ish.

Treacleton was drinking his white wine with a straw as I recall and, to me, he looked a bit gay.

I worked for singer Will Young last year and he was doing the same thing backstage after the show: drinking with a straw. (Don’t quote me on this, but I think it was pink Champagne - though it could just as easily have been fizzy Ribena.)

He looked a bit gay, too.

Hope you all enjoyed your hols.

Me an my Donna had a great time in sunny St Barth. We saw Nicole Kidman on the beach with some funny fat bloke just before we left for home. ‘She’s put on some weight, hasn’t she?’ Donna asked me.

‘Who cares?’ I replied. That got me into trouble for an afternoon. I had to make it up to her by buying her a new ring. She does like rings, my Donna - a bit like Michael Barrymore.

I do have to report that Kidman did look a little larger than usual - maybe she’s put the extra pounds on for a film role - but it didn’t stop her looking absolutely gorgeous.

I wandered past her on the way to buy an ice-cream and said ‘hello’ or ‘you’re looking fat’ or something to get her attention. She smiled at me and said something like ‘Eh?’ or something charming and Australian along those lines. Then - she winked at me! Yep, winked. Ah, I’ve still got it.

Ben Affleck was there, too, we saw him alone in a bar getting rat-arsed, but he doesn’t count.

I had a few days off over the weekend and managed to kick back a bit with my Donna.

We went to see Quantum of Solace, the new James Bond movie last night. It was pretty good; I never liked the gadget-fest that Bond movies had become so it made a refreshing change to see the franchise get back to basics with plenty of realistic action and a clever script. I reckon Daniel Craig is pretty good, too. He’s nearly taken over from Sean Connery as my favourite bond - nearly, but not quite.

On Friday night we watched Dead Set on TV. It was rather good - about zombies taking over the Big Brother house somewhere in England. The final shot of zombies wandering around aimlessly watching other zombies doing the same thing on television was a pertinent obsveration about the state of programming on British TV and on consumerism in general. Top marks to Charlie Brooker the writer. Not bad, I reckon.

It made me think about how I’m always daydreaming about zombies and what I would do if we were being overrun by them - you know, in an end-of-the-world sort of scenario. Weird, that, I reckon.

The rest of the weekend’s television was crap.

I had a night off and went to see Ghost Town last night, UK comedian Ricky Gervais’s new Hollywood movie.

It was okay - quite funny, actually. I think Gervais took something of a risk in taking the leading role in a romantic comedy but he pulled it off nicely, I reckon. Cynical idiots here in Britain were wanting to see him fall flat on his face but he has given them the finger and done a good job.

Tea Leoni is good in it, too. I quite like her. Sex weirdo David Duchovny made a good investment there, if you ask me.

I’ve bumped into Ricky a few times on the circuit and thought he was a decent enough bloke. And my Donna got on well with his wife Julie, swapping recipes with her and that. He’s well past his prime physically, but a good laugh, which is quite important if you’re a comedian, I reckon.

There’s a problem with his actual laugh, though: it’s crap. He laughs like a girl. You wouldn’t get away with a laugh like that in my line of business - you have to laugh like a man; it’s part of the Roadie Code.