Kevin Clooney

I was at the Grammies in Los Angeles on Monday night. I was stage-side working for the monitor mix fellow, Ivan. Did you see Chris Martin wave at me when he accepted the award?

It was brilliant to see the British doing so well again – showing the boring American artists how to do it. We did pretty well last year, too, what with the Amy Winehouse success and everything.

Can’t say I really like Coldplay but I was pleased they won song of the year for Vida La Viva as me and my Donna reckon it’s not half a bad little tune, what with the marching band in there and everything. I like songs with marching band in them, adds a sort of je ne say trois, if you know what I mean.

The thing about Coldplay that really annoys me – apart form Chris Martin’s affected singing style, of course - is their idiot guitarist Jonny Buckland who always looks like he’s in terrible pain when he’s playing a solo.

He probably saw some black blues musician do it and though it looked cool. Even so, if the electric guitar was as hard to play as he makes it look, no one would ever take it up in the first place.

Filthy Rik is in the US at the moment and he has been telling me about some stuff he’s been hearing over there.

He reckons Irish rockers U2 will not be using any of the material they recorded with Rick Rubin for their much-awaited new record No Lion On The Horizon, instead opting for the guidance of long-term collaborator and usual producer Brian Eno.

Rik and I have both worked with U2 a few times and neither of us is surprised to hear that they have been messing people about. They’re always doing it, in the studio and especially on the road.

Larry Mullen - the drummer - is the worst. He spends ages soundchecking his kit then keeps complaining that he can’t hear his drums properly in the monitors. I reckon he’s deaf. Most drummers are. And thick.

Filthy Rik (short for Erik - he’s from Sweden, though I would never hold this against him) was playing me some tracks from the new Guns and Roses album Chinese Democracy yesterday. It was okay - not as bad as I expected it would be. And I did expect it to be bad.

It was better than their previous albums simply because it took so long to produce, effectively reducing their overall output considerably. This is a good thing. At least they sound like they were trying to be a bit less heavy metal on this one. While most tracks on it feature the group’s trademark guitar bombast, others include piano, orchestrations and flamenco influences.

Filthy Rik and I were both on tour in North America with Guns and Roses years and years ago, when I was still at the stinking bottom of the roadie pile, learning my trade, as it were. Those days were a good experience and I learned a lot of things about the excesses of crap rock bands and about life in general.

I was surprised to learn one thing, though; I wandered into Slash’s dressing room one night to find him attaching big, red rubber lips to his face. That’s right, Slash wears false lips. always has done, apparently. They help him hold his cigarettes in place while he’s playing those interminably long tuneless solos.

Yep, rock fans, you heard it here first: Slash has false lips.

I was really pleased to see the new Girls Aloud album go to number one in the UK charts today because having worked for them a few times I have decided that I really like them. This has nothing to do with the fact that they are all gorgeous, of course - I already have a gorgeous woman of my own to stare at: my Donna - but rather, I actually think they are a really good pop act. There, I said it.

As far as I’m concerned, pop acts come in three categories: crap, silly, or okay. The ones I usually think are okay are the ones I consider to be the most professional - I don’t have to like their music but if they do a good job to a professional standard then I rate them quite hightly.

But Girls Aloud are more than okay, I reckon. They are gorgeous (did I say that already?), professional, and they even have one or two decent songs in there somewhere. Add that to the fact that they are all really friendly and always have time for a chat with us roadies, and you have a pretty okay pop act who deserve to be at the top.

Filthy Rik and all my other roadie friends reckon Cheryl Cole is the best looking one, or that blonde, but I think - and don’t tell my Donna this! - the little redhead is the most gorgeous; there’s just something about her. Even though it does sometimes look like she’s wearing a wig.

Nicola Roberts: gorgeous.

Wayhey! I’m booked for some dates with The Killers in the UK in February next year. Not sure about their records but their gigs are always great.

I was working for them at a gig in New York last year - I can’t remember the venue but it was a bit like the old Metro Theatre in Melbourne, one of my favourite live venues because of the easy access – and I have to say that the FOH sound was one of the loudest and best I have ever heard.

I was talking to Bruce Johnston, the sound engineer and he told me it was a last minute job and he was practicing for his gigs with Oasis, what with it being so loud and everything.

You wouldn’t expect the Killers to sound so good live because their records are a bit crap. Hells Angels love them for some reason so I’m not going to argue. And my Donna likes them; she says the singer, the little fellow with the ridiculous moustache, is ‘sexy sexy’. Pft! What does she know?

And why do their singles sound like tenth-rate Roxy Music to me? Weird. Roxy Music – now there’s a band I could tell you some stories about . . .

I’ve treated me and Donna to tickets for the Nico tribute concert at the Royal Festival Hall in London tonight which is being curated by legendary Velvet Underground member, cheerful Welshman, all round genius and good-guy John Cale. I’m really looking forward to it.

We’re going to get all poshed up - Donna’s bought a new frock from the Next catalogue and I’m going to wear my one and only suit – and see how the other half live for an evening. I’ve promised her I won’t get drunk and embarrass her again.

I’ve worked with Cale and his band a couple of times and I can report that he is a thoroughly wonderful chap. Not half a bad singer, too.

I used to be really into the Velvet Underground when I was a student and I still love them now.

Lou Reed was a hero of mine when I was growing up. And I can’t deny I have always really fancied Nico - don’t tell Donna, though.

I must admit I have never liked Andy Warhol. Weirdo. And his paintings were basically crap; but I don’t think anyone would argue with me on that. Especially him.

My best mate and fellow professional roadie Filthy Rik has just been telling me about his upcoming gigs with the Kaiser Chiefs in the UK in October.

I’m really envious because I like the band, and having worked with them before, I know they pay really well - better than bloody Coldplay, anyway, who are crap.

I like the Kaisers’ new single Never Miss The Beat which reminds me of Bill Nelson and Be-Bop Deluxe for some reason. I reckon they’d sell a lot more records though if the singer stopped dressing up as a schoolboy. Weird he is, that one. He’s from Yorkshire so that explains a lot.

Filthy Rik often imbibes too much when he’s doing indie band gigs - he gets too excited, bless him - so I’m hoping he’ll get sacked and I can step in and deputise.

Deputy Kev. I like the sound of that.

I reckon pop stars are fickle creatures.

Take Amy Winehouse again, and take Mark Ronson. (Again.)

The pair famously fell out big-time over their collaboration on the new Bond theme but are now back in the studio working on a tribute to legendary producer Quincy Jones. Apparently, they are the best of friends again! Fickle.

My Donna reckons loads of famous people are like that: cynical - especially when money is concerned - but I reckon it’s singers who are the worst. And producers.

One of my roadie mates was chatting to Graham Coxon recently and found out that the bespectacled Blur guitarist is to feature on the Pete Doherty solo album that has been in the works for over a year now.

‘I really like his songs,’ Coxon apparently said, ‘but he does smell. In fact, he really stinks.’ Told you!

I like Graham Coxon, he’s quite a good mate. I helped him choose his new glasses in Carnaby Street last year. I’ve worked with Blur a few times and I think they’re okay. That Damon Allbran is a bit stuck up, though.

Coxon’s solo single was crap. Sounded like the Skids to me. The Skids on methadone.

The Skids were amazing, one of my fave all time bands and absolutely top blokes, too. Stuart Adamson RIP. Sadly missed guitar genius.

Hi, pop pickers! I bumped into Amy Winehouse the other day, nice girl, looked a bit rough as usual, though – probably had a ‘busy’ night. She’s got some dates coming up and was asking me if I was going to be on the crew. ‘You’re the best,’ she told me. I didn’t see any reason to argue with her.

Her mobile rang and she yelled into it, ‘No! Go away, clown!’
I asked her if she was being hounded by the press again but she told me no; said it was that ‘smelly Pete Doherty tw*t.’

Apparently he really fancies her and keeps ringing her up for a date. (That’s Pete on the left). What a loser.

The Libertines were a bloody good band though. I heard on the grapevine that a reunion is on the cards. You heard it here first! I’ll keep you posted on that one.

Anyway, cheerio for now.