Kevin Clooney

Whew! That was a busy few days. First the Futureheads gigs, and then I got called last minute to do some work for ITV at one of the X Factor shows.

The Futureheads concerts were hard work - not because of the equipment or anything, but because of the band. I’ve already told you about the drummer but this time the guitarist was being an idiot, too. First off, he looks stupid: his trousers are too tight, same for all guitarists. (This doesn’t apply to jazz, but then again, what does?) Second, he tried to get off with my Donna!

Backstage after the soundcheck, he propositioned her to come back to the hotel with him and . . . well I’m not sure - try on some trousers together, probably. She told me, and I had to have a serious man-to-man word with him. But then he only went and offered me money for her, didn’t he! You know, like that film The Indecent Proposition. I nearly punched him but I would have been thrown off the crew. I wouldn’t have hit him, anyway; the Roadie Code forbids us hitting the musicians, though it’s hard not too at times.

On a lighter note, the X Factor gig was a hoot. Just standidng around backstage, mostly. I had to push Simon Cowell round for an hour in his wheelchair and then I got to spend a few minutes chatting to Dannii Minogue in her dressing room.

She still loves me. She told me she’s splitting up with her boyfriend at Christmas - you heard it here first. Probably so she can get with me, I reckon.

Don’t tell my Donna I said any of that.

I’ve been working up in Manchester for a few days on the X Factor auditions. There are some loonies come in for that, I can tell you! It’s been a good gig, though – good pay. The food’s crap, mind you: mostly cold buffet.

Last night that lady judge who looks a bit like my ex-girlfriend, that Dannii Minogue, tried to get off with me.

No, I tell a lie, it wasn’t her; it was that other one, that Cheryl Cole, the Girls Aloud singer who’s married to footballer Wayne Rooney.

‘See you later,’ she said, as she was coming out of make-up.

‘You better see my Donna about that!’ I told her. Women: only after one thing.

And I didn’t realise how fat Simon Cowell is! Bloke is massive! He’s ok, though, apart form his weird hair – looks like some kind of wig an alien would wear. It’s rubbish hair.

And talking about aliens, what’s wrong with ET look-alike Louis Walsh’s face!? Looks like it’s falling off - like David Duchovney’s. Louis Walsh, phone home! He’s ok, though. Duchovney’s crap.

Anyway, where’s Sharon Osbourne when you need her? My Donna likes her; she says she looks like she smells of lemon.