Kevin Clooney

Whew! That was a busy few days. First the Futureheads gigs, and then I got called last minute to do some work for ITV at one of the X Factor shows.

The Futureheads concerts were hard work - not because of the equipment or anything, but because of the band. I’ve already told you about the drummer but this time the guitarist was being an idiot, too. First off, he looks stupid: his trousers are too tight, same for all guitarists. (This doesn’t apply to jazz, but then again, what does?) Second, he tried to get off with my Donna!

Backstage after the soundcheck, he propositioned her to come back to the hotel with him and . . . well I’m not sure - try on some trousers together, probably. She told me, and I had to have a serious man-to-man word with him. But then he only went and offered me money for her, didn’t he! You know, like that film The Indecent Proposition. I nearly punched him but I would have been thrown off the crew. I wouldn’t have hit him, anyway; the Roadie Code forbids us hitting the musicians, though it’s hard not too at times.

On a lighter note, the X Factor gig was a hoot. Just standidng around backstage, mostly. I had to push Simon Cowell round for an hour in his wheelchair and then I got to spend a few minutes chatting to Dannii Minogue in her dressing room.

She still loves me. She told me she’s splitting up with her boyfriend at Christmas - you heard it here first. Probably so she can get with me, I reckon.

Don’t tell my Donna I said any of that.

My Donna has just shown me an article in one of her girly magazines about Madonna taking time out and resting in New York with her best friend Gwyneth Paltrow; apparently, the stress of the past month is taking its toll on the queen of pop what with her hectic touring schedule and her divorce from Guy Ritchie and everything.

I’ve met Gwyneth Paltrow a few times when I’ve been working for miserable guitar band Coldplay. The band’s frontman and Paltrow’s paramour Chris Martin is a nice enough chap but his American wife always seemed a bit ignorant and rude to me. Could be because I’m just a lowly roadie and not a glamorous singer in an internationally successful rock band - who knows?

Once, my Donna was chatting to Paltrow backstage, showing her the new nails she’d just had done and Gwyneth didn’t show even the slightest interest; my Donna was really offended. ‘She only wanted to talk about Madonna,’ she told me afterwards, ‘She just wasn’t bothered about my nails - just kept going on and on about her famous friend.’

I took my Donna out for a slap-up curry in my favourite Indian restaurant in Stepney after the show. That cheered her up no end.

It didn’t take Madge long after booting tubby husband Guy Richie out until she found a new man, did it.

Famous US baseball star Alex Rodriguez has apparently dumped his wife Cynthia - who’s busy crying on pal Lennie Kravits’s shoulder - to be with Madonna. They share the same interest in weird mystical Jewish faith Kabbalah, my Donna told me.

Americans are just strange. My Donna and me are secular humanists, English ones at that - it says so on our passports.

If I see Guy in the pub, I’ll challenge him to a game of darts and buy him a pint of Guinness, help him drown his sorrows. I reckon us English blokes ought to stick together, show you American girls what real men are like.

So Madonna and Guy Richie are divorcing. About bloody time!

It’s obvious a classy bird like that would never be happy with some southern poncy wide-boy like Richie. He’s crap. Girls like her prefer a bit of northern rough like yours truly.

I’ve been around Maddy’s crew at various gigs a few times and there have always been rumours that she was going to dump him. I tell you, if I didn’t have my Donna, I’d be round Madonna’s gaff like a rabbit up a drainpipe. Classy bird. Pure class.

She’s funny, too - I like a funny bird, me. Apparently, on one night of her world tour recently, she played some screeching notes on her guitar - I don’t think women should play guitars, mind you; it just doesn’t look right. Madonna’s ok with an axe, I suppose, so I’ll let that one go - and said to the audience: ‘This is the sound of Sarah Palin thinking.’ Pure class.